| I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something |
[Saturday
October 27th, 2007
2:44pm] |
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music |
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belle and sebastian - I don't love anyone |
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sunday 10/7
"to dream that you are being burned by fire indicates that some issue or situation is burning you up inside; it is something you can no longer avoid and ignore."
saturday 10/20
"to dream that an elevator will not let you off symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control."
monday 10/22
"to see a flood in your dreams represents emotional issues and tension. your repressed emotions are overwhelming you."
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[Tuesday
October 16th, 2007
3:04pm] |
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music |
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broken social scene |
] |
goal for next weekend: not coming into contact with vomit, in any form
being twenty has been awesome so far.
I don't know what it is, lately I have this amazing outlook.
I gave myself a good talking to and it resulted in a lot of small changes that managed to generate a better life view overall.
(for now)
sunday afternoon I went on a bike ride along the charles river with my friend chris and it was perfect peaceful happy cute etcetera etcetera
I had a joint birthday party with my friend ben hallas.
I also planted flowers for my dorm room! ! ! !!
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| cannibalism |
[Tuesday
October 9th, 2007
8:02pm] |
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everywhere I look people have been referencing cannibalism.
literature, pop culture, class discussions, religion
it's uncanny really
metaphorically, it has a lot of creative possibilities, I've realized.
I got a bicycle for my birthday!
I rode around fairhaven sunday night and it was cold and clear and beautiful. the stars were very visible.
I also got the 50th anniversary edition of howl.
saturday night was filled with techno dance beats, shots, stomach acid, and pine needles. it sounds a lot more fun than it actually was even though there were elements of fun.
sunday morning while waiting for the t I was mistaken for a homeless person by a homeless person.
I've been feeling a lot better these past few days.
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[Monday
September 24th, 2007
11:52am] |
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music |
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casiotone for the painfully alone |
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livejournal livejournal
I just can't leave you alone for too long.
my life makes absolutely no sense to me
my emotions make absolutely no sense to me
somebody figure it out.
I've been drinking way too much lately. I've been feeling self-destructive lately.
I don't have a handle on anything!
sklfdjasfdlkjslfj;lasfd
(keyboard mashing)
the other night I sat outside of my dorm and watched all my friends interact with various other emmanuel students. I didn't say anything, I just sat and watched. I stared at everyone and noticed how they would move and speak and react.
it was depressing because I thought about how 90 percent of social interaction is insincere in some sense. no one converses with someone and says exactly what goes through their mind, you know? you don't walk up to someone and say, "hi. you're attractive and I find that threatening. it makes me insecure." or, "you seem really stupid. please don't talk to me anymore."
because you don't want to be an asshole and you don't want to alienate people. but the thing is, I've come to a point in my life, and I've realized that most of the people I'm around all the time don't know what I really think of them for whatever reason. and it made me realize that these aren't real relationships. these aren't real friendships. and it's my fault and it's society's fault a little bit but it's mostly my fault. how can there be anything real when you're busy trying to protect yourself or protect that other person?
I'm tired of being nice
I'm tired of being safe
I wish I could be honest
and could handle people being honest with me.
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| deep thoughts, thai noodles |
[Monday
April 30th, 2007
4:01pm] |
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mood |
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 creative |
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waiting waiting waiting
for it to be time for dinner.
happy
happy
happy
for real for keeps for no particular reason at all really for the first time in a while.
my friends and my family are the most amazing people.
there is still pain and death and loss and sadness
but it's part of it, it's all part of it
I don't even know what I'm saying.
I'm trying to say something about how life encompasses a large spectrum of emotions and even though sometimes something can hurt a lot, someone can suffer, it's all part of this huge unexplainable awe-inspiring thing.
however my mood and my opinion is subject to change.
I feel like that should be the disclaimer of this whole journal.
read this
http://www.rooknet.com/beatpage/writers/ginsberg.html#song
if you're not speechless at the end I don't know what's wrong with you
I think it is so true and so well said that I might need to have it tattooed on my body, somehwere, at some point.
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[Monday
March 12th, 2007
1:39am] |
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mood |
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 restless |
] |
I want summer so bad
I want freckles and sunshine
I want my life to make sense
I am not who I want to be
I don't know if I ever will be
fuck.
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| emomac5 (9:30:39 PM): pat sevy loves blow jobs |
[Wednesday
February 28th, 2007
8:27pm] |
lately my life has consisted of: observing late night ping pong matches, seu jorge, snow and melting snow, henna tattoos, laughing, downward dogs, dead dawgs, defining and redefining, trying new things, mates of state, CHEEZEEBREAD! the state of rhode island, too much ginger ale, skittles berry punch chapstick, introspection, insecurity, being absolutely broke, hemingway, ginsberg, good friends, pleasantly wasted time.
I'm happy?
trust is still an issue in everything
I haven't really got much figured out
I'm scared because I have no idea what's happening next
but I'm happy. for the most part.
home friday, for the week.
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[Wednesday
February 14th, 2007
2:21am] |
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| on a holiday so long and warm and lucky |
[Monday
February 5th, 2007
7:40pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
so, lately:
my work ethic has been terrible
my emotions have been completely indecipherable and painfully unpredictable
and I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.
a few nights ago I had a very vivid dream that I was electrocuted, and now whenever I touch something I get a tiny little shock.
shit yo.
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[Monday
January 22nd, 2007
12:22am] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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I have a life here.
I don't know where or how this came to happen but it did.
and I'm comfortable and scared and warm and full and eager
and bursting with things to say and share with everyone around me
but lacking the courage to do it and I'm smiling and journaling
and laughing and happy and constantly scared that someone or something
is going to take all of these things away from me somehow for some reason.
my sleeping habits are terrible,
I'm even broker than I was last semester,
my feet are almost always cold.
I need to
read more
DEFINITELY WRITE MORE
think more
be more independent
and confident.
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[Wednesday
November 29th, 2006
2:56am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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architecture in helsinki |
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I don't understand why the girls on this floor
can't wash their dishes
or flush the toilets
or not eat the food I bought for myself
with the little money I have. it's fucking ridiculous. and inconsiderate and just completely aggravating.
I hate showering here.
I'm going ice skating in two weeks and I honest to gawd can't wait.
I've been stealing tea from the cafeteria, they have the best tea. I tried wild rasberry rose the other day and it was phenomenal.
here's the self improvement list:
take more pictures
sleep more regularly
spend money less frivolously
read the new york times every morning
take my vitamins and eat healthier
go out into the city more
I'm excited to go home for christmas.
I've been cutting out paper snowflakes.
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| it's scarf weather. |
[Sunday
October 15th, 2006
4:12pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
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love love love
I'm a terrible livejournal updater. so much has happened.
I've been thinking and feeling a million different things.
my social life is improving. I have a best friend here, his name is dustin watson, we hang out probably every day. I'm starting to build a life here. I am totally in love with the city.
going home last week felt awkward. I had to sleep on the couch because my uncle lives in my room now. it didn't even feel like I belonged there. all my shit was spilling out of a suitcase in the kitchen and I couldn't sleep at night, and there were these underlying emotional issues resurfacing. insecurities. ugly places that I never want to go back to.
for halloween dustin is being flava flav and I am going to be a flavor of love girl.
I think I saw david cross in tealuxe yesterday.
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[Sunday
October 1st, 2006
4:06pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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katlyn liz steve raja and beth came up last night and saw cursive.
incredible.
afterwards we stood very awkwardly and about two feet away from the band while they smoked cigarettes.
beautiful.
college is good boston is better I'm eating nonstop because the food here is great and pretty soon I'll be poor from buying clothes and going to shows.
I caught a cold, oh raspberries.
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[Monday
September 18th, 2006
1:25pm] |
this weekend was great. I saw basically everyone I wanted to see. elizabeth and I watched project runway, katlyn and courtney stopped by, corey made me a cake.
saturday I saw raja and beth. we went to jay's birthday party. I remember saying the same things over and over again.
-"try my rubix cube, I got it from the black student union"
-"nah, john steele and I are boys"
-"happy birthday! it's your birthday right? happy birthday!"
-"I don't want to go back to school"
but I'm a lot better than I have been lately. and there's absolutely no point in bitching when I have the opportunity to do a lot of things that I wouldn't normally be able to do, to take interesting classes and live in boston and essentially take control of my life in a lot of respects. that's exciting.
I want to start being more creative. high speed internet connections are dangerous to the creative mind. hours get swallowed on myspace/livejournal and it needs to stop.
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| jack kerouac, dharma bums. |
[Thursday
September 14th, 2006
4:22pm] |
"Japhy and I were kind of outlandish-looking on the campus in our old clothes in fact Japhy was considered an eccentric around the campus, which is the usual thing for campuses and college people to think whenever a real man appears on the scene - colleges being nothing but grooming schools for the middle-class non-identity which usually finds its perfect expression on the outskirts of the campus in rows of well-to-do houses with lawns and television sets in each living room with everybody looking at the same thing and thinking the same thing at the time while the Japhies of the world go prowling in the wilderness, to find the ecstasy of the stars, to find the dark mysterious secret of the origin of faceless wonderlous crapulous civilization."
sometimes I feel like I'm not living my life the way I want to.
that I will end up somewhere I don't want to be, hating myself.
but I haven't given up yet.
I'll figure shit out.
meanwhile I'm going out,
having fun,
learning,
stressing out,
missing my friends,
trying to make new ones,
adjusting.
seeing mates of state last night made me want to get married. right now. they're adorable.
home for the weekend tomorrow.
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[Sunday
September 10th, 2006
12:42pm] |
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things are better. college isn't bad. katlyn and courtney came up to visit me friday as a surprise. we ended up sleeping in a hotel room, courtney and katlyn drunk off some mystery drink they had an old man with a british accent buy them at the bar. we met caleb for the first time and hung out with him.
yesterday I took the t by myself from emmanuel to harvard square to meet up with cody, nick and matt. it was scary and I was nervous but once I knew I was going in the right direction and taking the right t it was a really good feeling. before the end of the school year I want to know the city inside out.
so I wandered around with nickcodymatt for a while and we ate at the grasshopper. we slept at cody's. I probably love them.
( suh leap ovah )
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[Monday
September 4th, 2006
11:02am] |
I'm at school right now on my roommate's computer
apparently my version of windows 'is not genuine'
the first two days have been scheduled to death
I have seminars and incredibly stupid things
tomorrow is community service day, I have to clean a zoo or something
I'M MAD BECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO IS WANDER AROUND BOSTON
the show was wicked wicked fun friday
this entry will be devoid of periods
I want to go to dorchester and visit katie
I want to go and visit cody
I want to find some place cool to buy clothes with money I don't have
OHMYGOD the author of the book we read over the summer, this correspondent from the washington post who lived in japan is coming to talk to us! I'm so freaking excited
I HAVE TO GO I HAVE ANOTHER STUPID SEMINAR
I had a dream last night that jcrazy tried to kill me
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[Sunday
August 27th, 2006
12:57am] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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I am at jack donovan's house right now, we are having a coed sleepover. there are people here.
my going away party got broken up by the COPS OHMYGOD, fuck living on main street in fairhaven.
my yard was decorated wicked cute
my mother was amazingly understanding, and I am here with her full permission. I had the party with her full permission.
craig dawson I know you don't read my livejournal but I'm sorry you and your friends had to leave.
danielle, I'm glad you went, and I hope you had a good time for the short period you were there, even though you probably didn't.
I AM SO GLAD EVERYONE CAME. I LOVE ALMOST EVERYONE WHO CAME.
typing is taking forever because I have to keep backspacing my typos.
we are making pizza
jack has a dog named cheese and I love him more than I thought I would ever love an animal (cheese not jack)
later on, we will watch the royal tennenbaums. I wanted to make this entry at this specific moment to thank everyone who came and to apologize for anything that might have been lacking, and for any fun that may or may not have been had.
THE SHOW WAS SO FUN LAST NIGHT. happy birthday corey oconnor, mad love. constellation megadeath forever. I hope you enjoy your it's so raven 16 month calendar.
we are making pizzzaaaaa from scratch, and it's done.
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| the trash can's probably the hardest instrument |
[Thursday
August 24th, 2006
3:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
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last night I said goodbye to taylor.
cried, sobbed
choked on my gum
had an asthma attack
dumped the contents of my purse out on the street
found my inhaler
and was revived.
tonight is band practice and snakes on a motherfuckin plane.
in prom dresses.
lately I've wanted to write one of those bare your soul type journal entries that are very long and in depth and explain exactly what I feel and what I think at that specific moment in time.
this obviously isn't one of those entries.
everyone, read a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.
everyone, have a good day.
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