kaleido_scopic

I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 18:54:59 GMT

sunday 10/7
"to dream that you are being burned by fire indicates that some issue or situation is burning you up inside; it is something you can no longer avoid and ignore."

saturday 10/20
"to dream that an elevator will not let you off symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control."

monday 10/22
"to see a flood in your dreams represents emotional issues and tension. your repressed emotions are overwhelming you."

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 19:11:33 GMT

goal for next weekend: not coming into contact with vomit, in any form

being twenty has been awesome so far.
I don't know what it is, lately I have this amazing outlook.
I gave myself a good talking to and it resulted in a lot of small changes that managed to generate a better life view overall.
(for now)

sunday afternoon I went on a bike ride along the charles river with my friend chris and it was perfect peaceful happy cute etcetera etcetera

I had a joint birthday party with my friend ben hallas.

I also planted flowers for my dorm room! ! ! !!

cannibalism

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 00:12:42 GMT

everywhere I look people have been referencing cannibalism.
literature, pop culture, class discussions, religion
it's uncanny really

metaphorically, it has a lot of creative possibilities, I've realized.

I got a bicycle for my birthday!

I rode around fairhaven sunday night and it was cold and clear and beautiful. the stars were very visible.

I also got the 50th anniversary edition of howl.

saturday night was filled with techno dance beats, shots, stomach acid, and pine needles. it sounds a lot more fun than it actually was even though there were elements of fun.

sunday morning while waiting for the t I was mistaken for a homeless person by a homeless person.

I've been feeling a lot better these past few days.

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 16:14:02 GMT

livejournal livejournal

I just can't leave you alone for too long.

my life makes absolutely no sense to me
my emotions make absolutely no sense to me

somebody figure it out.

I've been drinking way too much lately. I've been feeling self-destructive lately.
I don't have a handle on anything!

sklfdjasfdlkjslfj;lasfd

(keyboard mashing)

the other night I sat outside of my dorm and watched all my friends interact with various other emmanuel students. I didn't say anything, I just sat and watched. I stared at everyone and noticed how they would move and speak and react.

it was depressing because I thought about how 90 percent of social interaction is insincere in some sense. no one converses with someone and says exactly what goes through their mind, you know? you don't walk up to someone and say, "hi. you're attractive and I find that threatening. it makes me insecure." or, "you seem really stupid. please don't talk to me anymore."

because you don't want to be an asshole and you don't want to alienate people. but the thing is, I've come to a point in my life, and I've realized that most of the people I'm around all the time don't know what I really think of them for whatever reason. and it made me realize that these aren't real relationships. these aren't real friendships. and it's my fault and it's society's fault a little bit but it's mostly my fault. how can there be anything real when you're busy trying to protect yourself or protect that other person?

I'm tired of being nice
I'm tired of being safe
I wish I could be honest
and could handle people being honest with me.

deep thoughts, thai noodles

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 20:18:05 GMT

waiting waiting waiting
for it to be time for dinner.

happy
happy
happy

for real for keeps for no particular reason at all really for the first time in a while.
my friends and my family are the most amazing people.

there is still pain and death and loss and sadness
but it's part of it, it's all part of it
I don't even know what I'm saying.

I'm trying to say something about how life encompasses a large spectrum of emotions and even though sometimes something can hurt a lot, someone can suffer, it's all part of this huge unexplainable awe-inspiring thing.

however my mood and my opinion is subject to change.
I feel like that should be the disclaimer of this whole journal.

read this
http://www.rooknet.com/beatpage/writers/ginsberg.html#song
if you're not speechless at the end I don't know what's wrong with you
I think it is so true and so well said that I might need to have it tattooed on my body, somehwere, at some point.

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 05:47:53 GMT

I want summer so bad
I want freckles and sunshine
I want my life to make sense

I am not who I want to be
I don't know if I ever will be

fuck.

emomac5 (9:30:39 PM): pat sevy loves blow jobs

Thu, 01 Mar 2007 06:28:06 GMT

lately my life has consisted of: observing late night ping pong matches, seu jorge, snow and melting snow, henna tattoos, laughing, downward dogs, dead dawgs, defining and redefining, trying new things, mates of state, CHEEZEEBREAD! the state of rhode island, too much ginger ale, skittles berry punch chapstick, introspection, insecurity, being absolutely broke, hemingway, ginsberg, good friends, pleasantly wasted time.

I'm happy?
trust is still an issue in everything
I haven't really got much figured out
I'm scared because I have no idea what's happening next
but I'm happy. for the most part.

home friday, for the week.

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 07:48:45 GMT

on a holiday so long and warm and lucky

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 01:40:50 GMT

so, lately:

my work ethic has been terrible
my emotions have been completely indecipherable and painfully unpredictable
and I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.

a few nights ago I had a very vivid dream that I was electrocuted, and now whenever I touch something I get a tiny little shock.

shit yo.

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 05:57:59 GMT

I have a life here.
I don't know where or how this came to happen but it did.
and I'm comfortable and scared and warm and full and eager
and bursting with things to say and share with everyone around me
but lacking the courage to do it and I'm smiling and journaling
and laughing and happy and constantly scared that someone or something
is going to take all of these things away from me somehow for some reason.

my sleeping habits are terrible,
I'm even broker than I was last semester,
my feet are almost always cold.

I need to
read more
DEFINITELY WRITE MORE
think more
be more independent
and confident.

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 06:56:10 GMT

I don't understand why the girls on this floor
can't wash their dishes
or flush the toilets
or not eat the food I bought for myself
with the little money I have. it's fucking ridiculous. and inconsiderate and just completely aggravating.

I hate showering here.

I'm going ice skating in two weeks and I honest to gawd can't wait.

I've been stealing tea from the cafeteria, they have the best tea. I tried wild rasberry rose the other day and it was phenomenal.

here's the self improvement list:
take more pictures
sleep more regularly
spend money less frivolously
read the new york times every morning
take my vitamins and eat healthier
go out into the city more

I'm excited to go home for christmas.
I've been cutting out paper snowflakes.

it's scarf weather.

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 20:33:37 GMT

love love love

I'm a terrible livejournal updater. so much has happened.
I've been thinking and feeling a million different things.

my social life is improving. I have a best friend here, his name is dustin watson, we hang out probably every day. I'm starting to build a life here. I am totally in love with the city.

going home last week felt awkward. I had to sleep on the couch because my uncle lives in my room now. it didn't even feel like I belonged there. all my shit was spilling out of a suitcase in the kitchen and I couldn't sleep at night, and there were these underlying emotional issues resurfacing. insecurities. ugly places that I never want to go back to.

for halloween dustin is being flava flav and I am going to be a flavor of love girl.

I think I saw david cross in tealuxe yesterday.

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 20:07:36 GMT

katlyn liz steve raja and beth came up last night and saw cursive.
incredible.

afterwards we stood very awkwardly and about two feet away from the band while they smoked cigarettes.
beautiful.

college is good boston is better I'm eating nonstop because the food here is great and pretty soon I'll be poor from buying clothes and going to shows.

I caught a cold, oh raspberries.

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 17:44:27 GMT

this weekend was great. I saw basically everyone I wanted to see. elizabeth and I watched project runway, katlyn and courtney stopped by, corey made me a cake.

saturday I saw raja and beth. we went to jay's birthday party. I remember saying the same things over and over again.
-"try my rubix cube, I got it from the black student union"
-"nah, john steele and I are boys"
-"happy birthday! it's your birthday right? happy birthday!"
-"I don't want to go back to school"

but I'm a lot better than I have been lately. and there's absolutely no point in bitching when I have the opportunity to do a lot of things that I wouldn't normally be able to do, to take interesting classes and live in boston and essentially take control of my life in a lot of respects. that's exciting.

I want to start being more creative. high speed internet connections are dangerous to the creative mind. hours get swallowed on myspace/livejournal and it needs to stop.

jack kerouac, dharma bums.

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 20:36:07 GMT

"Japhy and I were kind of outlandish-looking on the campus in our old clothes in fact Japhy was considered an eccentric around the campus, which is the usual thing for campuses and college people to think whenever a real man appears on the scene - colleges being nothing but grooming schools for the middle-class non-identity which usually finds its perfect expression on the outskirts of the campus in rows of well-to-do houses with lawns and television sets in each living room with everybody looking at the same thing and thinking the same thing at the time while the Japhies of the world go prowling in the wilderness, to find the ecstasy of the stars, to find the dark mysterious secret of the origin of faceless wonderlous crapulous civilization."

sometimes I feel like I'm not living my life the way I want to.
that I will end up somewhere I don't want to be, hating myself.
but I haven't given up yet.
I'll figure shit out.

meanwhile I'm going out,
having fun,
learning,
stressing out,
missing my friends,
trying to make new ones,
adjusting.

seeing mates of state last night made me want to get married. right now. they're adorable.

home for the weekend tomorrow.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 17:21:37 GMT

things are better. college isn't bad. katlyn and courtney came up to visit me friday as a surprise. we ended up sleeping in a hotel room, courtney and katlyn drunk off some mystery drink they had an old man with a british accent buy them at the bar. we met caleb for the first time and hung out with him.

yesterday I took the t by myself from emmanuel to harvard square to meet up with cody, nick and matt. it was scary and I was nervous but once I knew I was going in the right direction and taking the right t it was a really good feeling. before the end of the school year I want to know the city inside out.

so I wandered around with nickcodymatt for a while and we ate at the grasshopper. we slept at cody's. I probably love them.

tommy boxers

black metal.

this is how we are

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 05:37:26 GMT

my room obv

an amazing record store right near emmanuel.

a blurry picture of my new friend ashley.

at first I hated it here. I miss my life. I miss my friends. I can't really talk to anyone here yet, so I get kind of sad just wandering around campus by myself most of the time. but I made a friend ashley and a friend paul and we walked around boston and found an amazing record store, so I suppose everything will be okay.

katie cooked me dinner at her apartment.
then cody cooked me dinner at his apartment and we made a tent.
if worse comes to worse, they're always close.

I feel good right now. tired but good.

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 15:08:29 GMT

I'm at school right now on my roommate's computer
apparently my version of windows 'is not genuine'

the first two days have been scheduled to death
I have seminars and incredibly stupid things

tomorrow is community service day, I have to clean a zoo or something
I'M MAD BECAUSE ALL I WANT TO DO IS WANDER AROUND BOSTON

the show was wicked wicked fun friday
this entry will be devoid of periods

I want to go to dorchester and visit katie
I want to go and visit cody
I want to find some place cool to buy clothes with money I don't have

OHMYGOD the author of the book we read over the summer, this correspondent from the washington post who lived in japan is coming to talk to us! I'm so freaking excited

I HAVE TO GO I HAVE ANOTHER STUPID SEMINAR

I had a dream last night that jcrazy tried to kill me

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 05:09:23 GMT

I am at jack donovan's house right now, we are having a coed sleepover. there are people here.

my going away party got broken up by the COPS OHMYGOD, fuck living on main street in fairhaven.

my yard was decorated wicked cute

my mother was amazingly understanding, and I am here with her full permission. I had the party with her full permission.

craig dawson I know you don't read my livejournal but I'm sorry you and your friends had to leave.

danielle, I'm glad you went, and I hope you had a good time for the short period you were there, even though you probably didn't.

I AM SO GLAD EVERYONE CAME. I LOVE ALMOST EVERYONE WHO CAME.

typing is taking forever because I have to keep backspacing my typos.

we are making pizza
jack has a dog named cheese and I love him more than I thought I would ever love an animal (cheese not jack)

later on, we will watch the royal tennenbaums. I wanted to make this entry at this specific moment to thank everyone who came and to apologize for anything that might have been lacking, and for any fun that may or may not have been had.

THE SHOW WAS SO FUN LAST NIGHT. happy birthday corey oconnor, mad love. constellation megadeath forever. I hope you enjoy your it's so raven 16 month calendar.

we are making pizzzaaaaa from scratch, and it's done.

the trash can's probably the hardest instrument

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 20:09:20 GMT

last night I said goodbye to taylor.
cried, sobbed
choked on my gum
had an asthma attack
dumped the contents of my purse out on the street
found my inhaler
and was revived.

tonight is band practice and snakes on a motherfuckin plane.

in prom dresses.

lately I've wanted to write one of those bare your soul type journal entries that are very long and in depth and explain exactly what I feel and what I think at that specific moment in time.
this obviously isn't one of those entries.

everyone, read a heartbreaking work of staggering genius.
everyone, have a good day.

meet me in the cooler, we'll be locked in forever

Mon, 21 Aug 2006 23:18:12 GMT

last night was supposed to be taylor's going away party but things didn't really turn out that way. I ended up going to raja's at around one, and talking with her and elizabeth until three thirty, at which point they fell asleep and I stayed up and listened to some terrible radio station play terrible songs that ended up for some reason making me feel incredibly lonely and unhappy.

I ended up thinking about things I didn't really want to think about. I fell asleep but when I woke up I still felt that state of mind hovering, like I carried it with me, and right now I feel unexplainably uneasy.

sometimes I get sick of this constant self-regulation and self-control and keeping things in check. but I know that if I didn't I would just lose control completely. I don't trust myself.

I'm going to miss my mother so much when I leave. I'm going to miss my life so much when I leave. taylor's moving to new york wednesday, and I've seen her almost every day of my life for the past twelve years. that's monumental. that's Growing Up.

according to katlyn and elizabeth I'm supposed to be having a going away party sometime over the course of the next two weeks but I'm not holding my breath. free lacroix! is supposed to play, so that should be...entertaining. we wrote a song the other day and it actually has a pretty decent hook. I get it stuck in my head.

whisper: faaaalcooonnnn eeeeeyeeeesssss

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 07:00:58 GMT

tonight I hung out with corey. we drive around, go out to eat, go to the fort. I say, "corey, park on the street, they lock the gates." the gates happen to be open. I say, "Corey, you should still totally park on the street (because somewhere along the lines this summer I picked up this annoying habit of saying 'totally' every other word) because I swear they lock these gates." he's like nah I'll park in the parking lot. we walk to the jungle gym kids part, build the tahj mahal, destroy it, talk about aliens, get drunk, become godzilla, dance and write country songs.

then we get fucking locked in. corey's truck is at fort phoenix as we speak. or as I write.

so we walk to my house and falcon eyes is born. or falconize. things are getting falconized, we're falconized. we waited outside and larry came and picked him up.

my leftover thai chicken pizza is locked at the fort in corey's truck. and I'm so mad.

p.s. we came up with a tentative list of words that should be used more in every day speech.

kindred
yikes
exuberant
bonkers
indigenous
carniverous
bogus
rapture
flabbergasted
pontificate

I'm flabbergasted. I'm falconized.

cause we live like astronauts

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 04:25:18 GMT

new layout! it's kind of cute.

six flags saturday with katlyn and courtney was a ton of fun. I loved the wooden rollercoaster, and batman, and I totally got forced into going on the scream. I was terrified, but the view from the top at night is amazing. but I was still terrified. the entire time. we stopped on a rest stop on the way home and made friends with strangers.

lately I've been in an almost nonstop good mood. but every day that goes by I get more and more anxious about everything I'm going to miss. and I really didn't expect it. it came out of nowhere. I feel like I'm finally getting things together, I feel like I'm maybe actually where I want to be in a lot of different ways, but now I'm leaving.

and I've always had this habit...whenever I have an emotion I'm not comfortable with, I force it into something else. I rationalize it away and try to dull it out. I'm so sick of doing that. in the end it never really works and the whole effort is exhausting.

but I don't even know if that's something I can ever change. everyone has their defenses.

I'm dreading summer ending.

P-RINKLES up in the hizzouse

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 19:28:57 GMT

sooo I went to the beach the other day and then katie and taylor dragged me to the ymca gym. I'M STILL SORE. we were running on the tredmill and I was watching the calories I was burning and I was just like, fuck, I want those calories back.

me teejay katlyn and courtney saw john tucker must die and katlyn and I played DDR. we were those obnoxious people you hope don't go to the movie you want to see.

today I went to the beach with katlyn and courtney and evan, we had a picnic, evan sang gordon lightfoot. I love forgetting gordon lightfoot exists and then remembering and then hearing evan sing it with his ridiculous, lispy high pitched but raspy voice. he's kind of like my substitute younger brother. teejay's kind of like my substitute older brother.

tonight is sleepover and maybe (hopefully) getting drunk and then tomorrow IS SIX FLAGS.

and I had the cutest aha night last night. steve bought me and liz sunflowers and I bought an insane amount of books.

love love mad love

Sun, 06 Aug 2006 21:44:44 GMT

lately my life has consisted of: katlyn's car breaking down on the highway while stuck in traffic, riding in tow trucks with katlyn, doing yoga, sleeping too late, not wearing shoes, living off of minvera's food, eating pistachio ice cream, doing the daily jumble, staying up all night.

lately I'm afraid of: going blind, telling anybody anything, not having any privacy at school (living with a roommate), missing opportunities, missing people who might not miss me.

I swear my eyesight keeps getting worse. whenever I take my contacts out all I see are blurs of shapes and colors. it's kind of flat, too; objects lose their dimension. it's neat if you don't think about how terrible it is not to be able to see anything. but I'm fine with my contacts, so I guess it's alright.

I'm leaving september third so I want to hang out with everyone a bunch of times before the summer ends. everyone.